*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I am crying
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.