[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Happy thanksgiving!
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
pizza
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.