People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?