Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
This a good idea
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.