Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.