If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Damn he played himself
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.