A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Sorry not sorry.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
There is wisdom there.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”