Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I laughed at this way too hard.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“That’s what” – She
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.