Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
WHY would you be happy about this?