“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.