On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*