I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I have so many questions.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.