I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.