The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
set yourself free xox
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]