[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee