The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.