son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”