Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
dream blunt rotation
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.