How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
馃ぃ馃ぃ
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
God: you鈥檙e a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it鈥檚 the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren鈥檛 supposed to see that.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they鈥檙e just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
This story is comedy gold 馃槀
sistine chapel
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 馃檨
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Me: you can鈥檛 spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to pur茅e them and use a funnel.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Don鈥檛 date a Canadian woman unless you鈥檙e willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn鈥檛 call or write anymore. It鈥檚 like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.