When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.