The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Its true…
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform