The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Breaking news:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication