Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You Might Also Like
Risking my life for fun.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
This is my bus stop.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”