[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW