if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?