Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.