The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.