Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
i think my razor is having a panic attack
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?