The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.