We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.