A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Growing up was a huge mistake
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her