The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Me trying to look natural in photos
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.