Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“The聽first rule of Fight Club聽is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT鈥橲 NOT COOL!
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don鈥檛 make that much money i promise you bro 馃槶 馃槵
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I鈥檓 good for it just let me live here bro you don鈥檛 have to worry about me fr I promise 馃槫馃
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn鈥檛 do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn鈥檛 even invented then.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I鈥檝e ever eaten.
This could be us but you eatin’
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
thanksgiving in nutshell