Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.