I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood