Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
the simulation is moving too fast
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.