What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Banana is the quietest snack
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*