dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now