Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.