(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
i’m still crying at this
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda