I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.