Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”