[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.