DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You Might Also Like
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE