I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.