I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Banking tips
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire