According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again