*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.