When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
The struggle is real.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
🙀🙀🙀😹
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt