professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.